It’s been ten years today yet I feel like it was yesterday. I haven’t really grieved like I should’ve I thought my job was to keep everyone going and keep a smile on my face. But now I know that I just have been blocking this out. Because I couldn’t deal with it went fishing threw my beer and Dr Pepper against a tree. Had to get up and leave. I have been so angry at God for ten years I couldn’t see the pain other people were causing and the harm they did to me. I came home hit my knees in the woods screaming why God? let me go back and take her place. I have to keep my faith I’ve regained to survive. Cause I will see her again one day. I will never understand why he couldn’t take me instead though. I volunteered as tribute back then and still do today!
I’m going to write her a letter....
Dear Katie,
and I could never take your place but I have tried to love her like you would. I made it you a promise I swore it to you!
We couldn’t go to her 12h birthday this year because of covid.It’s something people catch these days we have to wear masks like we used to when your immune system was low. Or as I recall during stem cell treatments. We had to wear them you should see us we all look so silly you would laugh.
Anyway here’s some pics from that day!
I finally have gotten to where I can be happy again but not today. I’m sorry.
My hair has grown out you would love it. I live in a cabin on nana and pops land I’ve been through some bad things baby. I graduated college though it was hard times. I think things will get better. I have grown up so much and gotten rid of the toxic people. I’m recovering I think I would make you super proud. I am trying to be less angry at God but today it’s really hard my sweet girl. Cause I still love you to the moon and back. Nana scared us while we I was in college. And I was living with a bad man. He made me argue with him to let me leave. Mommy showed up when she could the next morning.I’m so sorry I was so so lost for a while. I just was so angry. I still am a little today but I’ll get over it. I’m sure you know this you met them at the pearly gates. Great grandpa and Grandma have passed away. Tell them we love them and say Hi. Till we can get there. Your Grandpa Riley up there would love to take you fishing or duck hunting. I Guarantee it so if you wouldn’t mind for your auntie stop by his mansion and spend a lil time with that old man. Please one more thing if you could whisper to mommy that this is no way her fault she seems to think she scared you and that’s what made god take ya. And please throw in some butterfly kisses🦋 because she just needs them. Daddy it’s rough on him too and I was worried he would lose it when great grandpa came to see you. I think he’s done pretty well. I was afraid it would completely crush him. I hope to have my own children one day I hope they are as amazing and beautiful with a heart of Gold like yours. I’ve soaked my face so I should probably let you go. Also tell Gabby and Dash I love them!
Until I see you again,
Forever Your Auntie Ashee
Ps: I love you all the way to the moon...circle it three times then go around Mars 5 times then come back! 💖
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