About Me

I'm Ashley I am 17. The first and most important part of my life is my nieces katie & laura-beth. Then the rest of my family and if you are close friends with my family you are family. My life has changed alot in this past year. since may 14th alot of things have changed in my life just read and you will see. God bless Ash

Thursday, September 30, 2010

senior year...katie may not be here in flesh but i can make sure she is part of it


This is an assignment that i had to submit and be graded on. Below the instructions then what i wrote i know i am not great at writing but please take the time to read it.It is about katie!
Think of an experience that taught you something important about yourself or about your relations with other people. Describe the experience and show in some detail what you learned from it.


I have experienced some things most people seventeen years of age probably have not. I have learned from these experiences and they have made me who I am today. I was sixteen years old when the experience I am going to talk about began to unfold. This experience is very hard for me to put into words and even more difficult for me to comprehend why it happened. I had a niece named Katie and she was three years old when she was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma cancer which is a cancer of the nervous system. She was like a little sister to me and I loved her more than anyone. She called me her “auntie Ashley". I adored her and felt as though we were “soul mates".
Every day Katie lived after May 14, 2009 was a day that was an answer to prayer, Her every smile was an answer to a cry from my heart to the Lord, Every round of chemotherapy was a round of hope. Katie was more like a little sister to me she looked up to me and when we were together the possibilities were endless. She was so wise beyond her years. Someone once told me she was an “old soul". I believe this is true. She had an outstanding vocabulary for a four year old.. I taught her many things such as how to text someone on my cell phone, how to say camoflauge, how to twirl a baton, how to take pictures with a digital camera. We taught each other how to just have fun and not care what others think. I may have taught her all these things, but she was really teaching me more about life than could ever teach her.
She taught me the meaning of true love ,unconditional love. She taught me that nothing can tear that kind of love apart. We learned that the hard times are supposed to pull those we love together. She taught me strength and courage by example.She brought our whole family together in ways we could not have even imagined. She went through multiple surgeries, and chemotherapy that made her so sick, and fevers that threatened her life without any warning just trying to stay alive. and pain that would bring most grown men to their knees, and she did it with a smile. She was the most courageous person I have ever known. Through the most severe emotional pain I have ever endured I had to do my best to be as strong as possible for her and our family. Watching her endure such trials with such courage and grace made me feel like I could handle any sort of crisis. Memories form this experience’s still are molding me today.
Katie had the strongest faith of anyone I have ever known. No matter what she kept going and she kept believing that Jesus would heal her. In response to her faith, our family tried to keep our faith strong. However, one day about a year and a half after her diagnosis, Katie told us the cancer was to big and God was not going to cure it here on this earth. The Lord had shared with her what her fate was to be. We kept telling her it was not true, and that God could heal any cancer. but before too many weeks went by, the scans proved what she was saying to be true. The doctors told us the cancer was spreading through out her body.
At only four years of age, Katie had come to know Jesus as her savior and she knew where she was going when she died, and she was unafraid of death. Her biggest concern was for us and how sad we would be for her to go. She was also concerned that we might forget her down here. She was not worried for herself she was worried for others. It is incomprehensible to me how she could ever think we could forget her. I wanted Katie to choose an animal or other living creature for me to think of her when I saw it once she was gone. She chose a lion. I was surprised and said I had something more gentle in mind that I would not be afraid of. I think she chose a lion because she knew how strong she was and she knew from where her strength came. Jesus was called “the Lion of Judah” and Katie knew her Bible.
I asked her to choose a living thing I would see more often like a bird or something, and she chose a monarch butterfly which was her favorite type of butterfly. She knew the difference in types of butterflies too and she could tell how the markings were different. I have seen so many monarch butterflies in the past six weeks or so since Katie went to be with Jesus. I never knew there were so many. Every time I see a monarch butterfly I think of Katie.
This experience has taught me that time is precious and love is strong. Once you have used a moment you cannot ever get it back/. I cannot change time but time can change people.. I have learned that using my time carefully is very important. In Katie’s four years on this earth she used all of her time wisely. She cherished every moment she was alive and we as a family learned to cherish the moments she was with us as well. She did go places and so things most kids her age do not, such as getting her Make a Wish Trip, but she also was made to endure pain and suffering that a child should never have to. She also never got to start to Kindergarten, never got to grow up, never got to have a boyfriend, never got to be a mom or a grandma.
Katie showed me that whats really important to me should be what I can say I did that day. She taught me that it is imperative that our day to day schedule shows time spent with who is in my heart, not just what is on my mind. She showed me that how I spend my time and with whom is the contents of the book of my life. Every moment the book of my life is being added to. Because of my experience of losing Katie, I want to make sure that if my life was a book I would want to read it.
Katie never saw me cry until August 5, 2010 the day she passed from this earth into eternity, with all of her loved ones gathered around telling her it was alright to let go. We sang her favorite song “Jesus Loves Me” to her before she passed away. It still hurts so much. When I cry I realize that im crying for myself, because Katie is in no more pain. She is in Jesus’s lap up there waiting on me. Katie’s life and her passing also taught me we all have a purpose on this earth, and when our purpose is finished here on this earth we pass away. Katie’s purpose was to show many people the love of Jesus Christ and what true faith and acceptance is. I probably will not ever understand this side of heaven why her purpose had to be completed so soon. I have to trust for now that God knows and it is comforting to know she is in no more pain.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Silly faces, sharing hats, taking pictures, crazy hair days, kisses, hugs, dances, songs and lots of love.


Silly faces, sharing hats, taking pictures, crazy hair days, kisses, hugs, dances, songs and lots of love. I miss you so bad.....Flipping through the pictures golly we had such a good time...We were 2 peas in a pod....2 loud rambunctious crazy when together fun loving people when we were together nothing could take the smiles off our faces now without you idk how to put that smile back on my face... I look at the pictures and i see that since the day you could no longer stay with me my real smile has disappeared i think its in your heart i think my smile came out the day you were born and left the day you left!I Miss you Katie!













Wednesday, September 22, 2010

New strings....got alot of figuring out to do

Maybe thats what i need is a brand new set of strings.....i need to pack up the good get a some new good and leave the rest sitting there......i need to remake my dreams because ive lost alot of them i need to get back to them! ill finish senior year then go to a community college for 2 years to figure out some of my dreams and then figure out where to go from there i need to get off the sidewalk and step on the road because if i stay on the side walk i wont get anywhere...I have alot of things to figure out this year but i want to be someone katie would be proud of so i have got to stop the deppression and get back on the road......

love, ash


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

life....without her isnt the same...



Life without katie isnt the same and never will be the same she is a part of me and always will be.The pain is bad i admit it my necklace the one she had one just like and was buired with the chain broke the other day and i started coming unglued i said i have never taken it off i need another chain now idk what will happen without it around my neck i just might die....ive got one of moms chains on now...see my necklace consists of the charm me and her both have one of that says god be with us together and apart that my sister bought us each one and i have the letters "K" and "L" for both my nieces names and last night steven gave me a butterfly to put on it for our one year anniversary....steven has been really good to me and i love him....most guys wouldnt go out on a date with someone who had all this and still has it going on in her life but he has stood through all of this with me...sometimes i even have appoligized to him im sorry you dont have a normal girlfriend he always replys its fine i love you for who you are...im happy that he is that way yes i get aggervated at him but its cause i care...its been hard my grandpa died and we had to go out their life has just been one big storm after another.....my trip to the urgent care and er and them still not knowing whats going on with me was another storm.....its my senior year and school seems to be getting even harder every week....life itself has gotten harder but i grin and bear it because with every storm their is a rainbow following it and i keep waiting to see that rainbow havnt seen it yet but its gotta come eventually.....anyway life must go on katie wouldnt want me to sob but im crying for me im happy for her she has no pain and shes in heaven =) so im not crying for her anymore im crying for me!
I was gonna sign up to walk this year for my graduation because i wanted katie to see me walk.....and be proud of me idk if i can walk across that stage and look out into the crowd and not see her face....


God Bless
Ash

Friday, September 3, 2010

headed 2 new mexico

I try 2 be strong i have grinned and bared it through almost all of this when im around most people.....steven gets to be the lucky one that i will break down in front of now....it takes alot of trust for me 2 be able 2 fall apart infront of you....now im headed 2 new mexico my grandpa died this wed he was saved because of katie they are in heaven now telling each other stories and having a ball....i have 2 say my family has been through hell and it seems as if the pain will never end for us...but it will it has to....God must have much better plans for my family and me myself and my future....idk what it is now and i may not know what it was till i get to heaven but i have to have some purpouse...im still running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find that purpouse and get away from this pain but one day i will find it....pray for me until that day then
congradulate me for finding it
~*Ash*~