sorry.....

I really wasn't myself the other day i am very sorry for what i wrote i know when i express how i feel it hurts others thats why i try to not show it! I never intended for others to feel sorry for me or make them sad i just wasn't thinking well acting like i normally do.....

Anyway now that i have apolligized and i know i just misspelled that probably but owell.....

Today was the scavenger hunt at chuch it was fun we came in second but it was still alot of fun....Then we stayed and played cards and basketball and they ordered pizza....but the other night yes whats going with katie has me upset but i was told some stuff all in the same timeframe that upset me greatly two..... I really dont feel as if i can talk about the details of one of them but i will tell you some!!!

I think of my neighbor across the street as like a grandma to me ive always been here for her when her grandkids couldn't or didn't want to. She has bone cancer and has been fighting it....She hasnt been acting like herself and has started drinking not just one beer but REALY drinking....I know she always loved to dance so she would go out to the clubs and dance but never drink!!! and the other day her grandson came to stop her from leaving the house and she didn't know who he was.........................And the other day well yesterday Friday i got a text message from my soul sis Beverly asking me what the normal white count is for a 1 yr old then i called her and she said the doc is saying a possiblitlity of lukimia and this is her nephew we are talking about. He had a level of 11.7 i believe and the doc said 3 was normal she says she thinks her sis is just over reacting but they will see she is going back this coming Thursday for more blood tests......

So i have found myself kind of overwhelmed and i feel bad for just showing that to everyone i realize i have been a bitch to many people lately i hope those can forgive me for the past 2 days and my attitude.....ive been tied together with a smile but i finally came undone and im sorry to those who read,talked,seen me if i have acted wrong i hope you can accept my appoligy and forgive me.....

God bless

Love,Ash

Not NED

As many of you know we were hoping and praying and we just all knew inside these scans would come back showing No Evidence of Disease.

Sadly they didn't they showed 8 spots on her bones through out her body i don't know the exact locations.

Thank you for all your prayers and i ask you to continue them and this time even pray harder if you would.PLEASE

She also had an ear infection buts that getting better.

I am going to talk about me now actualy and im gonna say what i felt well thats hard to explain.

Well first of all i sat their as my mom was on the phone with my sister(Christa) and this was after i texted her and asked her how things went while i was at gymnastics and unlike most days at gymnastics yesterday i knew the scans were so i had my phone by my side through the whole thing i was worried when she didnt respond.

But i just prayed dear god let them be alright no matter what the results are give them peace of mind and keep them safe on their way home.

Then while eating supper moms phone rang i ran and got it and said its christa and handed it to her and while over hearing the conversation just here and their words i heard spots and i knew she wasn't ned i went out side and called my soul sis beverly.

Anyway i called everyone and then i went and bought a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and was gonna eat the whole thing but i got half way through it till i just got to the mad stage of this shocking news so i went outside and i took a tire iron and a hammer and proceeded to demolish my old electronic drums that didn't work right any more and threw a glass bottle and broke it, Then i was still in the madness so i grabbed my basketball and stabbed it with a pair of scissors screaming why her god why her i would take her place god why till it finally just popped........i finally fell to my knees and started balling my eyes out...yeah its a small town i had people coming out their doors staring at me and probably i thought would call the cops but i didn't care if they did.... see i don't show my feelings because i don't want others to hurt worse....when your strong and you never show a tear when your going through hell....it gives others strength but finally eventually you just break and thats OK everyone has to deal with things in a different way.

Then i came back in and rembered a song that i had heard like a few months ago but i couldn't find it i finally did....and here is the song and lyrics below it helped me calm down and deal until i could finally head to bed last night.......this is not the end it is not a stop sign neither a yield sign its a detour idk why god wants us to take this detour but i trust in him and in his plans...that he will guide us the safest way...

the lyrics

"The Impossible"

My dad chased monsters from the dark,
He checked underneath my bed.
An' he could lift me with one arm,
Way up over top his head.
He could loosen rusty bolts,
With a quick turn of his wrench.
He pulled splinters from his hand,
And never even flinched.
In thirteen years i'd never seen him cry,
But the day that grandpa died, I realized:

Unsinkable ships sink.
Unbreakable walls break.
Sometimes the things you think would never happen,
Happen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends.
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never underestimate,
The impossible

An' then there was my junior year,
Billy had a brand new car.
It was late, the road was wet,
I guess the curve was just too sharp.
I walked away without a scratch.
They brought the helicopter in.
Billy couldn't feel his legs.
They said he'd never walk again.
But Billy said he would an' his mom and daddy prayed,
An' the day we graduated, he stood up to say:

Unsinkable ships sink.
Unbreakable walls break.
Sometimes the things you think would never happen,
Happen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends.
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never underestimate,
The impossible

So don't tell me that it's over.
Don't give up on you and me.
'Cuz there's no such thing as hopeless,
If you believe:

Unsinkable ships sink.
Unbreakable walls break.
Sometimes the things you think would never happen,
appen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends.
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never underestimate,
The impossible

the song